I love it when the boys write.

Dear Susan,

I know this forum is intended for girls, but I feel that you could probably help shed some light on my situation.

I am a freshman in college, and I met this girl who I am very attracted to about 3 weeks ago. About two nights later I hung out with her and she ended up taking me back to her place where we made out for a good while. During the week I texted with her most days, joking and flirting, but found myself initiating almost all of the conversations.

Then came my birthday and she ended up staying after the small party I threw and we had sex. This was my 2nd time ever having sex and I seem to have a very unusual problem. During my first time 3 weeks prior to meeting this girl, I drunkenly lost my V and I was unable to finish, which I was sure was primarily due to my intoxication at the time. On my birthday I had sex with her for a good hour and a half pretty much sober (I’d had one or two shots earlier in the eve and I wasn’t able to finish without my friend “pamela handerson”  . She was fine with it and we enjoyed each others company affectionately cuddling, kissing and talking for several hours. Then in the morning she left and went off and I texted with her the next day.

A day or two later I ended up talking with our mutual friend who had heard from her about the events of Saturday night and said that the girl said she had really loved the affection and cuddling, and was fine with me not coming. But she also said that she wasn’t looking for attachment.

Later that week with that on my mind I realized how I was always initiating and how I was really falling for this girl. So I decided to take a step back and let her initiate our next interaction. I waited a couple days but she didn’t text, so I texted her asking how she was doing and by the end of the convo we determined that after her midterm on Thursday we would go out and have fun. I made it clear that she should text me on Thursday. Come Thursday she texted me that she wasn’t up for going out. So I texted her about a party I knew about the next night and right away she excitedly agreed to go.

So on Friday I took her out to dinner and then we met up with our friends. The whole night we were affectionately kissing and feeling each other and at one point she started rubbing my dick through my pants. I was sure that we would go on to do larger things if you know what I mean. But come the end of the night she said she just wanted to sleep in her own bed tonight. I was gentlemanly at the time and said I understood and received a very passionate kiss outside her dorm but was left out in the cold with a major boner.

I went home and talked to my best friend who told me I was being pussy whipped and talked me into trying to hook up with someone else. So last night I ended up going out and bringing a completely random girl to my room and made out.

Ok, so thats the story so far, so the things that are really bothering me are:

1. She has never said anything about not wanting attachment, and if her friend hadn’t told me that I would think we were heading straight for a relationship.

2. What should my course of action be, at the end of the night when she kissed me we agreed we would see each other Wednesday, since she will be busy for the rest of the weekend studying for another midterm. I am currently planning on waiting for her to text me to initiate.

3. Should I feel guilty for hooking up last night, I have never talked about exclusiveness with this girl, but do I owe her an explanation/ should I tell her?

Thanks so Much!

Samson

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Hi Samson,

I decided to share your question as a post because I think that you can get a lot of great direction and support from other readers, but I’ll respond here first. 

First of all, congrats, it sounds like you’ve been killing it at college. In the last six weeks, you’ve lost your virginity, had sex with two girls and made out with a third. Not easy to pull off as a freshman. On the other hand, you’re so relationship-oriented you’ve got a bad case of oneitis and misplaced loyalty. Those two things tell me that you’re a handsome, earnest, good guy. If you’re not careful, the girls are going to eat you for lunch, and you’re going to be repeatedly frustrated.

I’d like to address this in three parts:

I. The delayed ejaculation.

II. Less dominant behaviors. 

III. Your three questions.

I. Finishing

Let’s discuss the not finishing first, because it’s separate from the other issues. Actually, I don’t think it’s that unusual in a hookup situation. I’m going to ask the guys to weigh in on this, but I’ve encountered it before and I’ve heard girls discuss it too. As you say, intoxication is often the culprit. For what it’s worth, I think it’s a good sign that even though it happened a second time while you were sober, you didn’t lose your erection. You’re clearly aroused, you’re just not able to make the full trip without doing it yourself. I can think of a few possible explanations:

1. This is a case of beginner’s nerves, the anxiety of performing, especially with someone you barely know. 

2. Masturbation is often the culprit. From WebMD:

By adopting a masturbation technique that involves intense pressure, friction and speed, some men train themselves to respond to a level of stimulation no partner could duplicate — at least not without coaching, which the man usually is reluctant to provide.

Michael A. Perelman, PhD, a sex and marital therapist in New York City says he sometimes tries to get men with delayed orgasm to agree to a masturbation moratorium. This does more than stop the practices that may be contributing to the problem. It also allows a build-up of sexual desire, which provides “a mechanism for reducing the threshold of arousal necessary for orgasm,” he says.

But while masturbation can cause delayed ejaculation, it can also aid in the cure. If a guy won’t agree to keep his hands off, Perelman will urge him at least to alter his masturbation style — to switch hands, for example — in order to break old habits. The problem is that your tried-and-true, quick-and-dirty masturbation style is probably terrible practice for sex with another person.

3. You might enjoy more anticipation. There’s very little of that with hookups, but at least you can take it slow with foreplay, even focusing on pleasing her for a while. Don’t enter her until you feel really, really ready and worked up. 

II. DLVs

OK, let’s talk about some of the behaviors that I think may be getting you into trouble. Not to make you feel badly, but I believe that while you’ve got a natural appeal that girls obviously find attractive, you’re doing some things that demonstrate lower value (DLV), and it’s compromising this girl’s attraction to you. 

Before I do, though, I want to point out that this girl went for no-strings sex very early, and stated to a mutual friend that she doesn’t want a relationship. Clearly, you have different goals. It sounds like she is looking to have casual fun, while you’re fantasizing about locking it down. That’s a recipe for heartache on your part. 

If you were down for no-strings sex, the way to keep her coming back for more is to maintain a dominant frame.

• She doesn’t get to take you anywhere, you direct the scene. 
• You escalate physically, not being content with just making out. 
• You do not text every day the following week, and you definitely don’t keep texting when she isn’t initiating. She really does want to wonder if you like her or want to see her again.
• Minimize cuddling, kissing and pillow talk until there’s a mutual emotional connection.
• No-strings sex is not meant to be gentlemanly or ladylike.

You sensed this, because you decided not to text her for a while. Then when you didn’t hear from her, you caved and texted, inviting her out. (womp womp womp)

She flaked on Thursday, maybe that was legit. What is not legit, however, is her being a total prick tease on Friday. Seriously, she rubs your dick, tells you no hookup, then kisses you passionately? That’s manipulative as hell, but worse, it signals to me at least that she just isn’t that into it. It’s your second time and she’s already pulling the “not tonight I have a headache move”? 

Your best friend had the right idea. You’ve got a bad case of oneitis and this girl has all the control in the relationship. Worse, it’s control she would rather not have. She wants you to be the dominant jerk who tells her how it’s going to be. She probably would have loved it if you had told her out there in the cold that she’d deliberately given you a boner and you expected her to finish the job.

III. Your Questions

1. She has never said anything about not wanting attachment, and if her friend hadn’t told me that I would think we were heading straight for a relationship.

But she did say that, obviously with the intent of its getting back to you. You are expecting a relationship because you have not read her signs well. She initiated little contact, flaked on plans, and led you on. Whether by choice or by nature, this girl does not sound like girlfriend material.

2. What should my course of action be – at the end of the night when she kissed me we agreed we would see each other Wednesday, since she will be busy for the rest of the weekend studying for another midterm. I am currently planning on waiting for her to text me to initiate.

Do not initiate with her. At all. If she wants to see you Wednesday, she will make it happen. If you never hear from her, write her off for dating and resort to booty calling her if you’re interested in that.

3. Should I feel guilty for hooking up last night, I have never talked about exclusiveness with this girl, but do I owe her an explanation/ should I tell her?

Best,

Susan

P.S. I’m on Team Boyfriend.